Dear Miss C…
About 2 months ago, I lost my husband. The amazing part was the blessing of having my family and friends surround me with support just when I needed it most. They helped me make arrangements, take care of details, listen to me blubber, and were there to share the joy of remembering all of the good times.
I was overwhelmed with the love and support. Which I guess is why I was so shocked when greed destroyed a long time friendship with someone I trusted and loved. Miss C, I miss my husband and am torn apart trying to understand why my friend chose money over my friendship. It’s not even just the money part that hurts, but it feels like a friendship betrayal. Is this normal? I don’t know what to do next!
—Grieving in Ohio
Dear Grieving in Ohio,
The key words you used are grief and stress. You are not alone. Many people can relate to this kind of fighting after a loss. Many people can share stories about how their favorite Aunt Matilda became Crazy Aunt Matilda, sneaking into the house before the funeral to grab knick knacks she wanted to keep for herself. Or when your closest brother or sister who was once your biggest support, now seems to just fight about everything. The world may feel like it is falling to pieces, meanwhile you are trying to cope with the reality of life after the passing of your loved one. And you know what the number one conflict after a loss? You guessed it, the battle over material items and money.
We all deal with the stress and grief in different ways. These differences might be the very source of conflict. So! What can we do to cope and fix it? Well, there is no magical cure. But I can share a few common conflicts and offer a few potentially helpful suggestions.
1) There are many reasons that death brings out the worst in people. But one reason is that during high stress and grief, our brain actually functions differently! There are parts of the brain that think rationally and other parts of the brain that react with emotion and impulse. In high stress, our rational brain defaults to our emotional brain. So when lots of people are reacting with emotion, you can see how conflict might arise.
2) Grief typically (or at least for a period of time) equal total loss of control. We want more than anything to have control over something. Though control, is often an illusion at best. Either way this loss of control is very scary. So during this time people will seek out ways to feel in control. Sometimes that is by beginning to make arrangements without consulting others. It might mean immediately trying to pass out belongings or financial information. We are prone to make mistakes in this time. So a family member or friend could be helpful by assisting with regaining control doing whatever tasks might be needed (even if it is helping by making sure toilets are cleaned when mourners visit).
3) Communication (or lack there of) can be a key issue that leads to conflict. If a plan isn’t made for who, when, and how certain things will be handled, it is not uncommon for one person to go rogue. Communicating isn’t always easy, but it is crucial to reducing conflict. If at all possible, make a plan right away for how and when things will be handled. Agree on a time frame to all sit down together to go over the will, discuss next steps, and ensure everyone is on the same page. Make a plan for regular updates and communication between family members.
4) If it is too late for that, focus on giving feedback to get back on track. Keep in mind that emotions are running high, so it is especially important to communicate effectively. Try to avoid accusatory statements. Instead, focus on expressing your own experience. This is the old “use I statements” instead of “you statements”. So, for example, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you threw away mom’s clothes without talking to me first. You are so self-centered and thoughtless”. Instead you could say, “I was really hurt when you threw away mom’s clothes without talking to me first. It made me feel like you didn’t care about my grief or my attachment to those things. There were some items in there I really wanted to keep that are now gone”. By focusing on the behavior, how it made you feel, and the impact you can hopefully open a dialogue without making the other person defensive. Also, be open to their feedback. You probably haven’t been perfect either, so try to openly listen to what they need from you.
5) And finally, we tend to generalize the negatives. Extending behaviors of a griever to represent who they are as a person. For example, you and cousin John have been close for 35 years and you think he is a great guy. After the death of your grandmother, he does some shady manipulating to try to get her car. You are outraged and appalled, so you think to yourself, “wow, I always thought John was a good person. Now I see him for what he really is. I can’t believe I never realized how greedy he is.” All of the sudden everything else John does around the death is clouded by your new-found realization that John is a shady, greedy troll.
Timeout. Let’s take a few steps back here. Grief makes us all do crazy, sometimes crappy, things that we often regret. It is important to cut people (and ourselves) some slack. People do all sorts of awful stuff when they grieve, so view these things as poor choices due to an impossible time in life. It doesn’t override the 10, 15, 35, or 50 years of wonderful things you know about the person. Try to remember that this may be the exception in their behavior, not the rule. Just like you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, you need to be gentle and forgiving with others.
