Dear Miss C,
I just realized I am mad at my sister. I used to think that I was just heart hurt by feeling that I am not the priority in her life that I want to be. I used to think it just hurt my feelings when she backed out of things at the last minute or had a last minute drama that made plans change. I used to think that I felt disappointed that spending time together or being there for one another (outside of a life or death situation) is never as important to her as it is to me. And just recently, I realized that I have been bottling up this emotion because I felt it was maybe more important to make things as peaceful and easy for everyone. So, now I am mad at her. I know there is probably nothing that I can do, because there have been many conversations about the situations that led to my feelings. So, I am at the point where I have figure out a way to just not be mad. I don’t know how to do this. Do you have any advice for me?
—One Mad Sister
Dear One Mad Sister,
In most of my research, the answer to your question relates to “setting boundaries” or “acceptance of things you cannot change”, and “turn the other cheek.” And there are definitely times when you should do all of these things. But sometimes that seems to minimize the feelings of hurt and betrayal you experience. We often (especially with those we love) assume that we share the same values, beliefs and priorities in our lives, but we just simply don’t. Then we deal with the potential second injury (perhaps even more hurtful) when the other person doesn’t seem to care about the let downs the same way you do. We are left feeling hurt, persecuted, sad, or even angry. So, I am going to give you three pieces of advice:
1. OPEN THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION: You need to know if the ‘let down’ is a result of miscommunication or is it a willful neglect? Open the discussion in a non-confrontational way, allowing your loved one to tell their side of the story. Then…
2. REVIEW YOUR INVESTMENT IN THE RELATIONSHIP: Is this the first time you have felt this way? Because if it happens again and again, you do need to draw a line. And since it is a loved one that you see regularly, be sure to draw an even line. Which means you keep your distance in the circumstances you know you will be hurt in a kind even handed way. For example, be cautious how much you share and rely on the person. A new trust and new type of relationship may need to be adapted.
3. IF YOU DECIDE TO ASK ANOTHER FAVOR OF THIS PERSON, PROTECT YOURSELF: If it is important to mend the relationship you may choose to give your loved one more chances. Remember the hurt of the past and be sure that your beliefs and expectations are clearly communicated.
Relationships and family are important, please take care in the words you choose. They can be weapons that destroy trust. They can also be the tools we use to spread love that lasts a life time.
