Hello Miss C,
I’m in my 40s and have been with several ladies over the years, but I’m at the point in my life when I want to be with “the one” long term. Right now I am in a relationship and we have been together for about 4 months. She is about my same age and has made it very clear she wants to get married. I feel like I love her very much but we had our issues but I think most of them come from the fact that is very assertive about what she wants, and that is to get married. It kind of feels like she backs me in a corner. It feels like an ultimatum, get married or move on.
Now, me and a buddy have been planning a big vacation to the islands, we do this pretty much every year (for the past 10 years). My girlfriend doesn’t want me to go, and said she would leave me if I did. Should I go? Or should I abandon my buddy even though we have been planning this since before we were dating? I want to go, but I don’t want my relationship to end either.
-XX43
Dear XX43,
I see both sides. Your girlfriend wants her commitment to be matched because she is willing to give it in return. She probably feels that if you put your buddy ahead of her today, you will continue to do so in the future. Typically, people are more willing to make changes and sacrifices in the courting or honeymoon phase of a relationship, so if you put your buddy before her now, you’ll certainly do so in five years from now. So, why should she buy into a relationship in which she is guaranteed to be second best?
On the other side, because I do not know all of the dynamics of your relationship that might explain otherwise, it does seem dramatic on her side to throw away 4 months of love and hard work because of a week away. You are clearly at an impasse.
You each need to set clear values and goals that defines the kind of life you would like to have for yourselves. This will paint a picture. Look at those pictures, how similar/different are they from one another? You are both either ready for this, or you are not. You cannot have it both ways. Only you and together as a couple can you decide to toss your relationship for a little vacation. Because I am sorry to say, if a little vacation is your make it or break it moment, there is likely more than this issue to consider in the path of your relationship.
Commitment is Not Always Easy,
Miss C
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