Dear Miss C,
I am single but want to someday be married. My friends tell me that I probably won’t find the guy I am looking for because I expect too much from marriage. So my question is: Do you think that people expect too much out of marriage?
—High Expectations
Dear High Expectations,
The simple answer to your question is YES! When choosing to marry, some believe it will mend their loneliness, make them shine with joy every hour of every day, and eliminate all scars of past heart breaks. But in reality, marriage is the joining of two people into a partnership bound by love and your faith. It is built on your combined ability to grow together, compromise together, and build a new life together. Your past is not erased because of this new partnership. You carry the experiences and scars earned throughout your lives prior to your wedding day. You are still married to a human. Humans are by definition flawed and make mistakes. And though your partner will on many occasions bring you the greatest joy you have ever known, there will be other days that he/she simply gets nerves because dang it… why can’t they just wash the dishes just ONE time??
In a more socially complex response, the answer is still yes… we do sometimes expect too much from our marriages. Just look at our high divorce rates as evidence. Take a moment to think about marriages throughout time. In the 1950’s, self-report surveys suggest the primary reason one chose to marry was not love, but because of the partner’s ability to provide a good and stable home for raising a family. Oh sure love was on the list as well, but it was not the primary reason. The primary purpose was not our own individual forever happiness but in satisfaction and contentment of building together. Now, if you compare those results to today, findings suggest we are more likely to relate our primary reason for marrying as a love feeling. Reporters continue on suggesting that the proposed partner makes them happy, fills a hole in their life, or makes them feel better about themselves. That sounds good right? In theory, yes. But perhaps that is also a symptom of dysfunctional (and selfish) definition of love? The evolution of marriage is described by commitment based in family and home to marriage being about personal love and satisfaction. It’s a symptom that we no longer understand love as consummate, but instead only by passion (the honeymoon stage). The honeymoon stage ends and if you do not have a partnership based in love, faith, and commitment you have little to hold it together. So essentially, yes we expect too much anytime we give the power to happiness to ONE person, instead of to your new partnership, which means you too are responsible for yourself AND for your partner.
As Always,
—Miss C
*Be sure to submit your own questions today! I am waiting to hear from you. Email me at AskMeMissC@gmail.com , visit my Ask Me Miss C Facebook Page, or send your letters to the West Bend News to my attention! *
