Dear Miss C,
I recently came to the realization that I am a co-dependent person. It came to my attention when I went through a traumatic upheaval in my life involving some dear friends. We (with my husband) did everything together: attended church, hung out at each other’s houses, went on dates, our kids were all like siblings… Then they decided to move away. I thought we were best friends. I thought we shared thoughts and prayers with each other. I didn’t have any secrets, but apparently they did. They just announced one day that they were moving away. I felt abandoned, alone… betrayed…
Then I took a step back to evaluate my feelings and realized the codependency I have for people in my life. My convictions, beliefs, opinions mirror those closest to me. I don’t believe this is a healthy thing. I now have a wall up to protect my heart & mind because I’m scared to do something wrong. I don’t want to let anyone in anymore. Can you help me understand this?
Sincerely,
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
I can certainly TRY to help you understand a little about co-dependency. However, I would first like to say, what I hear you describing is not co-dependency but a human tendency to blend with those in which we surround ourselves. And yes, it can be unhealthy if you lose yourself in this blending. It can also be healthy, if you are inspired to add positive characteristics of those around you, to your own toolbox!
By definition, Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
What I do hear you describing is life changing grief of what feels like after a significant break up. A break up from a long term relationship where so much common bonding and common experience actually makes seeing where you end and another person begins difficult to distinguish. So when these relationships end we lose part of ourselves. It’s kind of like the game Jenga. You work together to build an amazing tower. And it stands, perfectly interlocked and as long as things stay the same…its powerful and perfect. But when just the right block is removed, it crumbles to the ground. So we question the very construction of that tower. You think, why should I construct this tower again? When it falls, it is going to hurt… so maybe I will build the tower and put the box back on, so no one can touch it. No one can take a piece out again? Of course… then you are depriving the world of an amazing game!
Okay, so I like Jenga But in all seriousness, in this example, you are the tower, you along with those you love and trust build who you are… and that is exactly how it should be! We are social creatures, we are built by our social connections! So we should surround ourselves with those who we want to be like. Understand that the pieces of you are still the pieces of you, and putting them back together can be difficult, but worth it. So please for the sake of all the other towers waiting to be built, take the box off, share your pieces. Be creative, be courageous, and remember that your roots are strong (even when we don’t feel as if they are).
With Blessings,
—Miss C
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