The Nurturing Well by: Jill Starbuck
“You are completely worthless.” “Why can’t you do anything right?” “Relax, I was only teasing.” “If you would just listen to me, then we wouldn’t fight all of the time.” “Nobody will ever love you more than I do.” “What’s your problem?” “Nice job, but I thought you’d do better than that.” These are just a few examples of emotional abuse—the verbal form. While words can be very harmful, emotional abuse involves more than the verbal form. It also involves attitude and actions.
These attitudes and actions take shape in many ways. Emotional abusers do many things that demean or humiliate others. For instance, they may treat you as a child, making you ask permission to leave the house or spend time with friends. They may withhold money, read your email, or listen to your phone conversations. You no longer feel like an individual because abusers overstep personal boundaries by hovering over you, doubting everything you do, and accusing you for any wrongdoing in your relationship. They give condescending looks when you get excited about something important to you. They make fun of you in front of other people. They downplay your opinions or thoughts, and they never ask how you feel about something. An apology is rarely made, because nothing is ever their fault.
Emotional abuse, like all forms of abuse, is an attempt to control or dominate another person. While all abuse, no matter what form is a tragedy for its victims, emotional abuse can be particularly tragic because its evidence is often internalized, therefore silent. With physical abuse, victims often exhibit physical signs such as broken arms, bruises, black eyes, and others. And no matter how hard to try to hide this evidence, it’s still there. Verbal abuse often involves yelling, screaming, or making condescending remarks to blatantly demean or hurt. These forms of abuse can easily overlap into emotional abuse. However, oftentimes, emotional abuse is harder to see on the surface. The abusers are often sneaky about it, throwing little jabs when nobody is looking or listening. They are manipulative and deceitful. Therefore, emotional abuse is often not obvious to the casual observer. Even close family members may miss the signs. Furthermore, the victims may not even realize that the torture they’ve been receiving is a form of abuse. Instead, they believe their abusers, doubting themselves and feeling unworthy. They cower to the demands of their abusers, believing that life is much easier if they just do what their abusers wish or demand. They begin to believe they are unworthy or that this is just the way it is. It’s better than being alone, right? Or is it?
Imagine living a lifetime under emotional abuse. You can never truly be yourself, do what you want to do, or even believe in yourself. Your self-esteem and self-confidence become nonexistent. While you are likely to have some good moments, your overall well-being and happiness is stifled. You find yourself anxious the majority of the time in fear of your abuser’s reaction. You feel trapped.
Many times, the victims blame themselves. Or they may make excuses for their abuser, citing a lack of sleep or a stressful job as examples. Many victims are just thankful that they aren’t beaten and believe that words really don’t hurt. But this is far from the truth. The effects of emotional abuse can last a lifetime.
Keep in mind that emotional abusers are not just spouses. They can be friends, parents, siblings, and others. Check out the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at www.ncadv.org to learn more about the signs of abuse and how to seek help.
