Dear Miss C,
I am thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me, but I am afraid, not because I’m not sure I love her, but because I am afraid of how we will live together in a real family sense, like having and raising children and how we will handle money together. Aren’t these the kinds of things we just have to get married to find out?
—John
Dear John,
Those are very important factors which will impact the success of your marriage. They are value based concerns, and no you do not have to wait to get married to find the answer, you just need to ask the questions. And they are important questions to ask! For example, statistics show that most marriages fail because of finances. Whatever problems that already exist in a relationship, money problems make those problems bigger. You should discuss how you are going to pay bills, budget, save for retirement (etc). If the two of you have big differences on how to handle money, this problem will get even bigger when/if you choose to start a family.
With all questions you ask, be honest and forthcoming in your discussions. This is one of the biggest differences between being a dating couple and a married couple. Married couples stop telling the other what they think they want to hear to make a good impression.
But perhaps the most important answer to a question you need to ask is, ‘Do you want to have children?’ If two people in a marriage can’t answer this relationship question along the same lines, this is going to cause a lot of stress and heart break in the years to come. Again, honesty in answering this question is important. Do not go into a marriage assuming that one or the other partner will change their minds. Even if you convince your partner to have children, his or her heart might not be in it the way it should, with all sorts of child rearing unintended consequences.
So, have the conversations make agreements long before you choose to commit your lifetime to a wonderful new partnership.
Blessings,
—Miss C
Miss C is now accepting all reader questions. Submit yours today using AskMeMissC@gmail.com, via message on Ask Me Miss C Facebook page, or via US mail sent to my attention to the West Bend News.
