Dear Miss C,
My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, two of those years were happy, hopeful, and stress free. The rest of them, well not so much. We fight about money, about how to raise our children, and about what to have for dinner. Sometimes I think the main problem is that we do not spend enough time together, and other times I think it’s because we spend too much time together. But all that is just icing on the cake. One of us has cheated. But I want the relationship to work, I think we do love each other. But is there any coming back from the betrayal?
—Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It is possible to repair the damage caused by an affair, but it will not be easy. There are multiple layers of hurt and betrayal to work through, so if both parties are not equally committed to repairing what was broken, the possibility is nil. Now, assuming both parties want the marriage to work, the partner who cheated must stop all communications with the affair partner, and/or make it unquestionably clear they are committing themselves fully to the marriage. The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest with his or her spouse (that does not mean share all the gory details but it does mean a real discussion about how you got to this point). The couple should consider entering therapy; outside help from trained professionals can help a couple figure how and where the relationship went wrong.
The unfaithful spouse should allow his or her partner time to vent and even cry regularly for a short periods (example, 10 minutes a day), while the unfaithful spouse listens. This time allocation should not have to go on forever, but until he or she comes to understand the hurt caused by the affair. This venting is also important to the injured party because he or she will feel heard and validated…and the emotional burden will become less and less. As the burden lightens real healing can happen.
It is important to allow healing time, but I warn you to watch for signs that progress is not being made. Like I said, both parties have to be equally committed to making it work. There are times when trust cannot be rebuilt, and healthy adults should recognize the strengths and limitations of their best efforts.
Many Blessings,
—Miss C
