Dear Miss C,
I am having a hard time finding balance in my life. My grandmother’s health is not good. I spend most of my time either taking care of her, or worrying about taking care of her. She lives with her son (my Dad) but he does not do a good job. Mostly they just end up butting heads. Now, I want to be there for my Grammy, but it’s taking a lot out of me (and away from my family and work). And I am starting to fight more and more with my dad and most of the fights are about my Grammy. I want to be helpful but also have balance. What do you think?
–Struggling in Nearby Town
Dear Struggling in a Nearby Town,
You are not alone. In fact, I have received three emails recently from others with similar concerns. Each struggling to find balance while caring for elderly or sick family members. I expect it is an issue because people are living longer than they used to, and often they are living longer with poorer health. Of course there are elder community members who defy the stereotype, are active, and much healthier than some half of their age. But many of our elder community are suffering from heart conditions, cancers, dementia, and the list goes on and on. Even 10 years ago, many of these conditions would have already caused death, but with new medicines and treatments, lives are saved! But more assistance is needed. Enter family members. Like you, many people WANT to be there for their aging and sick family, they WANT to play an integral part of ongoing care. They (like you) come in to do whatever needs to be done despite the cost; the intention is good, but the cost more than intended.
I am not speaking of financial costs, though those are also significant. I am speaking of physical and emotional costs to caregivers. Those costs can be high. The stress is high. Ironically, when you step into help when others do not, there can be conflict with those same loved ones. Conflict because they also do not have balance. Does that mean you should step aside and not be helpful? Absolutely not! But that word you used….balance, well, that is your key.
At some point, caregivers have to stand up and ask for help. There are medical, social, and spiritual resources in your community to contact for resources. Your Grammy deserves the best care possible. Yes, you can give amazing care, but I suspect you could be even better if you had others helping. Perhaps that is a nurse who visits homes, support groups (for her, and for you), or something else. Your Grammy would not want you giving up everything in your life, for hers…but she needs your love and support. You will need to set some boundaries. Create a plan for what you will do, what your dad will do, and other outside resources professionals will do. Creating boundaries and this care plan will give you and your loved ones the balance needed to love and care for your Grammy, while not sacrificing your own life.
With Many Blessings,
–Miss C
