Dear Miss C,
Right now I am with my first girlfriend, but I think I want to break up with her. I like her and everything because she is really special, but it’s just not working. I think we are better friends. What should I do?
—Super Brad
Dear Super Brad,
Breaking up is hard to do, trust me… they even made a song about it. But seriously, it’s even harder when it is someone that you like and it is the first time you have had such a close relationship. Before I say anything else, know—it will hurt but you will meet other people and fall in love again. You should expect to feel sad, so:
Step 1) Prepare yourself. Think it through, because you need to prepare yourself to permanently end a relationship. Never break up with someone unless you are okay with the chance that you may never get back together…even if you change your mind, it could be too late. You also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she might be too hurt to stay friends (at least for a while).
Step 2) It’s time to break the news. There will never be a perfect time to break up with a person that you love but you should not have this conversation over text, email, or phone. If you have real feelings for this person, you owe it to her to discuss this face to face. Do not break up in the middle of a fight because you may end up saying things you will come to regret. Don’t surprise her by just blurting out your desire to break up. Take her aside and tell her, “I want to talk about something…” During the conversation, use a lot of “I” statements. These type of statements allow communication of your feelings with out blame or judgement. “I want to take some time apart” not “You want to spend too much time together.” Or “I need to think about the future” not “We are not going anywhere.” But honesty is key. Everyone deserves to be told the truth, but make sure you choose your words carefully. Once you put a word out there, there is no taking it back. If there is something really wrong with your relationship, for example having different values and interests, share this! Reinforce the positive, tell her that you care about her. I know it is a cliché, but suggest staying friends. Again, she may not be ready for that right away, but expressing your hope is still important in both of your healing processes. But don’t call, text and email on a regular basis once the break up is over, it really just sends mixed messages (which makes moving on very difficulty).
And finally, I would call it step 3, but it is really an ongoing process… take time to heal and grow. Spend time with friends and family. Learn from your relationship!
With Many Blessings,
—Miss C
